I am Hanging Up My Runners

There comes a time when you realize what you have been doing no longer serves you, and you question if it was ever really working for you. So, it got you to this point, and it has served its purpose, but it can no longer serve you. Its time to stand on your own two feet. Its a time for a change. A time to be brave. A time to mix it up and try something new. Each new day is full of unique moments and obstacles we can turn into opportunities. The choice is yours. Its hard work. 

It gets dark and uncomfortable. Sometimes you may want to crawl out of your skin, and it takes everything out of you not to put your runners on and dash away. 

Does anyone remember the movie, Run Away Bride? The one starring Julia Roberts? I can so relate. In the film, the lovely Julia Roberts would run away from relationships. In my movie, I would run away from anything and everything that made me uncomfortable. I became an expert sprinter. Little did my high school softball coach know what she was doing when she nicknamed me Lady Legs because I could run fast, not knowing how it would carry into other aspects of my life.

Well, I am finally hanging up my runners. I am learning to be comfortable (or at least tolerant) in the uncomfortable. Through many steps and processes, I have learned what I was indeed running away from was me. The funny thing is, I can not run away from me! "Me" goes wherever I go. (Currently, I want to break out into a song and dance of, Me and My Shadow). The pivotal point which leads me down a new path of self-realization and empowering self-love was the intensive I did with my inspiring, loving, and supportive Health Coach. Yes, Health Coaches have Health Coaches too, and it works! We are living proof as we walk the talk.

I want to share with you a journal entry I made at the above time.

Journal Entry: May 10, 2019- ok, so this sucks. When you have known a lifetime, it has been there, searching for a safe place for help, never finding it until now, I have found a soul that understands me. That loves me. I am sorry for what she has endured but extremely grateful beyond words and emotions for her showing up when she did. I have been waiting for you. I have been asking for you, and here you are. Thank you! I hope I can only be half as brave as you are. You are my inspiration. You are my motivation. I feel intensely sick to my stomach to face what has always been. No more justifications. No more excuses. No more numbing. The rose-colored glasses have smashed against the hard pavement, shattered into a zillion pieces. Let the healing continue. I pray for perspective, understanding, courage, and strength. I have one job and one job only, to take care of this precious soul in its human shell and carry it to its maximum potential.

Yesterday, I met with my Health Coach for an intensive. I knew what would occur, and I did it anyway. Its time. Its time to get out of my way and find my purpose. It sounds cliche, but that is the soul's mission. It is all-consuming at the present moment, and I trust it will settle as I do the work to heal my wounds and then help others who are open and willing for change, creating the path to the life they deserve. We must be ready to fight for a better experience. It is in generations passed down the trauma and new drama that we must heal. Its uncomfortable, embarrassing, shameful, and guilt-ridden. Damn, that is a lot of heavy stuff to carry around. Let it go! (I am giving myself a pep talk, and I am ready to break out into another song. Yes, you know the one.) I had a choice this afternoon, to eat another pint of my favorite chocolate and peanut butter ice cream or start to put it into words — nothing like the present moment to begin to turn things around. 

I am feeling better already as I write to you — a little calmer, a bit more confident, and a smidgeon braver. You, the you who knows what will be showing up on the following pages. You who can relate to my story; the You who wants to run away (but we can not any longer.) Stay here with me. Do not race away. We have been experts on the flight. -The end of my journal entry.

In finally faced the darkness of my past in a space that was safe, non-judgemental, nurturing, and loving; a new path surfaced — one of self-love that provides so much more love for others. I can honestly say for the first time in my life that I have fallen in love. I have, at the age of fifty, fallen in love with me. 

Much Love, Christine xoxo